


What does that leave us with?

by QueenofSchmoop



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU of "Clip Show", Angst, Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester UST, M/M, Season/Series 08 Spoilers, Wincest-Freeform, spoilers for "Clip Show", wee bit of Ruby bashing (by Dean)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-28
Updated: 2016-06-28
Packaged: 2018-07-18 20:29:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7329616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenofSchmoop/pseuds/QueenofSchmoop
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam has an epiphany while talking to Sarah.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What does that leave us with?

Sam sat on the bed and looked at Sarah Blake. He heard her talk about her husband, her daughter. Heard her say he seemed more confident, more focused. Thought about those days when he thought he could have someone like Sarah. Thought about Amelia. Then turned and looked at Dean. 

Dean, who had been his one constant over all these years. Dean, who had been his true companion. Dean, who loved him even when he went Darkside. Dean, who was the whole reason he was doing this, was even here. It all came back to Dean. 

Awareness rushed into Sam, filling him, hitting him like the proverbial ton of bricks. He nearly gasped as realization came to him. He saw Sarah’s face grow quizzical. 

“Sam?”

He almost couldn’t answer her. “I’m okay,” he said softly. And for the first time in a long time, he really was. 

That was when the phone rang. Crowley started haranguing them and then the clock turned and Sarah started choking. 

“It’s a spell! Find the Hex Bag!” He began tearing the room apart to find it, Crowley’s monologue ringing in his ears. He realized this wasn’t the best way to go about it so he stopped, went still and closed his eyes. 

“Sammy! What are you doing?!” Dean shouted at him, tearing the room apart. 

Sam ignored him. Then an idea came to him and he ran over to the phone. Crowley was saying something about killing everyone they had saved and what would that leave them. 

“Each other, douche canoe,” he said and then threw the phone down to the floor. The hex bag fell out as it broke. Dean was instantly there with his lighter and they burned it, Sarah breathing once more. Sam went to her. 

“Sarah, hey, you’re gonna be okay. You’ll be fine.” He kept up the patter of reassurances. 

“We should get her checked out,” Dean said. 

Sarah protested but they took her to the hospital. She called her husband, using Dean’s cell phone. Dean pulled Sam aside. 

“Nice thinking, Sammy. With the phone and all.”

“Thanks. Dean, he’s going to try again. Go for someone else.”

“I know. But we have to keep going.”

“I know. I’ve got some ideas about that. We need to get back to the bunker.”

“You wanna…?” Dean made an obscure gesture toward Sarah. 

“We’ll say goodbye,” Sam made sure to use the plural. They went back in.

“Yes, I’ll talk to you again soon, sweetie. Love you too. Kiss my angel for me.” She hung up. “Hey guys.”

“Hey. You look fine now.”

“Thanks to you too. Always coming to my rescue.”

Dean smirked. “It’s what we do.” They said their goodbyes. As they walked out, Dean said, “should we have brought her with us?”

“No. I don’t think Crowley is going to try to hurt Sarah again. She should be safe now. And we’ve given her tools to protect herself.” They had taught her how to draw the devil’s trap and given her salt and holy water. They got back in the car and on the way back to the bunker Sam outlined his plan. 

They got into the Batcave and Dean prepared what they might need as Sam searched the place. “Cas is gone.”

Dean snorted. “Figures. We don’t need him anyway.”

Sam’s eyes got soft. “Dean…”

“Let’s get started.” Dean’s tone was brusque. They worked, parting and coming back. When, at last, they were done, Sam all but collapsed in a chair. 

“Dean?”

“It’s ready to go.”

Sam took a breath, wanting to cough but not letting himself. “Dean, before we do this--”

“No need for chick flick moments, bro.”

“Yes, there is.” Sam stood, wobbled, but kept to his feet. “I know you don’t like this sort of thing but--”

“Sam!”

“I have to say it,” he continued. “If this works then it’s on to the 3rd task. And that could kill me.”

“Don’t say that!”

“I’m being realistic. I need to tell you some things.”

“We’re not doing this,” Dean waved a hand, turning away. 

“Goddammit, Dean, will you just let me tell you this stuff?!” Sam shouted then doubled over in pain. Dean ran to his side and held him as he coughed and sputtered. Wiping at his mouth, breathing hard, Sam rasped out, “I’m sorry.”

“Nothing to apologize for, Sammy.”

“Yes, there is. I’m sorry for leaving you to go to Stanford. Or at least leaving the way I did. I’m sorry for leaving you while I was in the Pit.”

“You didn’t have any control over that,’ Dean protested. 

“I’m sorry I let you go to Hell, when your Deal came through. I’m sorry that I couldn’t rescue you from Purgatory. I’m sorry I didn’t even look for you. I’m sorry I said those things about Benny--”

“Jesus, I don’t need the list, Sam.”

“I’m sorry for it all. For the way I’ve treated you. Crowley asked what we’d have left if we didn’t have the people we saved. And I realized what the answer was. Each other. We’ve always had each other. Or, at least, I’ve always had you.” Sam’s face was sad and pained. “I haven’t been the best brother. I haven’t been the best partner. I’m sorry for that.”

“Fine. Apology accepted. Can we get over this and on to the ass kicking part?”

“I love you, Dean.”

“Oh hell,” Dean muttered. 

“No, listen to me,” he swayed into his brother’s body. “I can’t remember the last time I said that to you.”

“We don’t--”

“I know, and maybe that should change. Because you don’t understand what you mean to me, Dean. You’re my family. You’re my whole world. The one constant in all this craziness. The one person I can count on, the one person who knows me and loves me anyway.”

“Sam…”

“If these trials kill me--”

“Sam!”

“If they do,” he went on, “I’m not going to ask you not to try to bring me back. I know you too well. Just…beware the price, Dean. I won’t have you paying with something precious to you.”

“You’re not going to die, Sammy.”

Sam shook his head and lifted big hands, cupping his brother’s face. “I thought this was purifying me. I guess not.”

“What?”

“Nothing,” he mumbled, leaning his forehead in and letting it fall on Dean’s shoulder. “Just promise me you’ll remember that I love you?”

Dean didn’t move then two arms came up around him and pulled him back. Now it was Dean’s turn to hold Sam’s face. “You think I don’t feel the same? You think you aren’t my world, my reason for being on this damn planet? I may not say those three words, Sam, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I do, you stupid jerk. I love you.” The words came gasping out, Dean clutching Sam to him hard. 

Sam was astounded and held on tight as well. He could count on one hand how many times Dean had said those word to him and he couldn’t remember when the last time even was. The words came bursting out of him. 

“If I do live through this--”

“Will you stop with that already?!” Dean shouted into his neck. 

“I want to stay with you,” Sam continued. “We’ll keep going or we’ll stop and retire, whatever you want, Dean. I just want to be with you.”

They both bobbed as Dean seemed to lose his footing, taking Sam with him. “Shit!” Dean shouted and put them both upright again. “Sam?”

“I mean it.”

Dean looked dubious. “What about wanting to be ‘normal’? Amelia?”

Sam shook his head. “That was stupid. I told you once that I can’t ever be normal. I don’t know why I changed my mind. Desperate once I lost you, I guess?” A thought hit him. “You are my normal,” he said, the rightness of that hitting him hard. “Without you I tried to find what’s normal for everyone else. But if you’re with me, Dean, I don’t need that.”

“You’ve said that before,” Dean said, suspicious. 

“I know. I know you doubt me. But I’ll prove to you I’m not going to change my mind. If I live through this,” he mumbled. 

Dean huffed. “How many times I gotta tell you, Sammy? You’re going to live. No matter what. And you’ll get your normal life.”

“Dean, dammit, listen to me! I don’t want it.” Going for broke, Sam leaned in and kissed his brother. 

Who froze as if it hit by a curse. 

“Dammit,” Sam said, pulling away. “Stupid,” he said, shaking his head. 

“You’re delirious. Maybe we should get you to a doctor.”

“I’m not delirious, Dean.” His voice was dull. “Never mind. Let’s just do this.”

“Sam,” Dean started to reach for him but Sam pulled away, almost going over. He fell to one knee, grunted and swiped at his eyes. He forced himself back up, staggered over to the table and grabbed the bowl. 

“Sam?”

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have...”

“You idiot!” Dean grabbed him, the bowl falling, spinning Sam around. “You want this epic emo bullshit lovey dovey moment, you fucking kiss me and now it’s all ‘back to business’?” He was practically shouting in his brother’s face by the end. 

Sam closed his eyes in weariness. “I’m sorry, Dean. You were right. Let’s just do this.” He bent to retrieve the bowl and nearly collapsed. Sprawled on his knees, head swimming, he almost didn’t even notice Dean kneeling in front of him, putting his arms around him. 

Then he heard the voice in his ear. “Last time I held you like this was when that asshole Jake killed you, Sammy. When you died in my arms. Toughest damn moment of my life. At least up til then. Harder than Mom dying, harder than Dad. Because from the moment you were born and definitely from the moment Dad gave you to me, you were the most important thing--person--to me. Big brother, mom, dad, all of it. That’s what I tried to be. But you kept turning me away. Kept running away, like in Flagstaff. It hurt, Sammy.” The pain bled through Dean’s vocal chords. “It hurt a lot. I gave everything to you and you just kept going away.”

“Dean,” he whispered, trying to speak. 

“Then I died and went to Hell,” Dean continued. “When I came back, it was good. Until I found out what you were doing with that bitch Ruby. Destinies, angel condoms, fucking Lucifer, man. And you were going away from me. Until you truly did. Into the Pit.”

Sam didn’t interrupt this time. 

“I was so mad at you, Sam. When you showed up and I found out you’d been back. I was so scared when you weren’t acting like yourself. Scared it was something wearing you like a meat suit. Then to hear you were soulless? I had to get that, get you, back. I made a deal with fucking Death to get you back, Sam.”

Sam was awash in memories, nearly limp in Dean’s strong arms. 

“I got you back and then I end in Purgatory. That time I was the one who left you, Sammy. I clawed, tooth and nail to get back to you. Thought you needed me. Turned out you didn’t. You needed her. You needed normal.” His voice was bitter and hard. 

Sam couldn’t bring himself to speak. He realized he was crying. 

“But in the end you picked me. You chose a side and it wasn’t Amelia. I thought everything was okay. But I knew I had to give you up. I had to stop being selfish, even though I wanted to be. I’ve always wanted to keep you with me, Sam. To have you want to be by my side as much as I want to be by yours. But you never wanted that.”

“I do now--”

“Seeing Sarah die tonight may make you think that you can’t have that or you don’t want it,” Dean soldiered on, “but I know you. You’ve always been looking for more. I want you to have it. Because you’re my Sammy, my brother, my best friend. I want you to be happy.”

“I am,” Sam said vehemently. Then he coughed. “Well, obviously not right this second. But Dean, I will be once we do this, and we can be together, just like you’ve always wanted. I finally realized. When I was talking to Sarah, I finally got it. Like I said before, you’re my normal. You’re what I’ve been searching for. I was just too stupid to see it.” He blushed, cheeks red under the tears staining his face. “I think my desire for that connection manifested in physical affection, though. Sorry.” He saw Dean’s blank face. “That’s why I kissed you.” He waited for a joke, perhaps a ‘couldn’t help yourself’ or a ‘I’m just that hot’, but it didn’t come. 

“I wish I could believe that, Sam,” Dean said quietly. 

“Dean. I’m dying. No,” he held up a hand to forestall words. “I know I am. Between that and the clarity of my memory, I think I’m allowed a few big realizations. And one of them is how much I love you.” He watched Dean flinch at those words. Wiping at his eyes, still on the floor, he leaned in close. “No matter what happens, you need to know. Your self esteem is subterranean, big brother. I want you to understand that no matter what goes down in the next few hours, days, weeks, that there is and always has been someone who thought you were pretty damn awesome.”

Seeing Dean about to speak, knowing he would make a joke to relieve the tension, he lifted a finger and put it over his brother’s lips. “I guarantee that if I make it through this I will spend the rest of my life making you believe everything I’ve been saying. But for now, let’s get this done?”

Dean put his hand over Sam’s finger and hand, pulling it down to over his heart. “Okay, Sammy,” he whispered. Then he helped Sam up, swiping at his own eyes, Sam noticed. “Time to get this party started!”

 

End


End file.
